- I have three stories in my short stories collection about 95% completed.
- Three stories are being written progressively day by day.
- Three more stories are sitting in my head right now sizzling until I have enough of an idea to put pen to paper.
- The last story is still very, very vague in my head so aside from the title, I’m not touching it.
It’s getting tough. Aside from at the very least 1 of the stories, they’re all very grim and dire. I typically use my headspace to exert a lot of anger and frustration I have. I pushed a lot of it out a little while ago and lost a lot of the push I had to finish. I’m not going to give up, but it’s incredibly difficult to continue writing in the world I built when I’m… happy? Like I have 0 problems right now. I have successfully spent an entire year focusing on myself as a person. I’ve built myself some independence, which is something I haven’t truly had since I was… shoot probably about 14. I’ve had someone in my life almost every moment since that age, but as dumb as it sounds, I think my pushing away of dating and embracing quiet moments in life this year was me really just enjoying myself. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I’ve grown as a person.
Through life, since I left California, I’ve been a pretty bitter kid. I projected my angers at people. Particularly with my ex-girlfriend. I would blame her a lot for issues. When I left to El Paso I spent the entire time finding my mind. Now, after I talked to her again after over a year of silence, she told me one bit of information that just made me so angry. I’m talking like top 5 moments of anger I’ve had in my life. I was furious, filled with angst. It felt like years of little issues I had behind the dam let loose which amplified everything tenfold. Instead of yelling at her and telling her that she was a terrible person, I held it and redirected it. I went on a writing frenzy and focused it all on there. I was in this sublime zone where I was the shit. I was all that mattered in the world. The only two things that existed was me and my story universe. I had worked from 3am to 6pm that day and I was writing from 10pm to 1am. I don’t know when, but I woke up and noticed a significant chunk of one story was written. I don’t remember a single specific moment from then. It was great. I hadn’t felt that pushed to write ever.
What did I learn most though? I didn’t do what I would’ve done. I would’ve gotten into an argument with her. I would’ve put her on blast since at that moment I felt that bitter. I didn’t though. I let my better self take over and I did what I love the most: write.
I went into 2013 expecting to rebuild bridges. Instead, I decided that perhaps instead of constructing the smaller bridges, I should focus on the main bridge and realize that I’m currently the most important person. I need to make sure I’m 100% as a whole person before I put myself out there for someone else. I’m an adult. I have bills to take care of, work to do, school work to finish. I needed to step into this side of life and spend time on me.
I’ve got about one more week until I’m 22. I’m so ready to fuck shit up next year. I’ve never been more ready than before. At 18 I was frustrated with my parents and my ex. At 19 I was struck with grief that I had ruined a lot of bridges. At 20 I was at a standstill with nowhere to go. At 21 I was the polar opposite and had thousands of life routes to go. Now, I spent a goddamn year making sure I felt like a king. I started college and went Spring, Summer, and Fall with a select few teachers loving my work. I worked two jobs at once. And admittedly, I spoiled myself with my spending, because fuck it! I was selfish this year, and I am okay with admitting that. I never had a full year to do what I want.
I picked an easier school semester. I’m wrapping up my second job. I’m working in a manager situation. I’m close to finishing up my website redesign after months of tinkering with it. I’m about 50% done with my collection of stories. And after moving around a bunch, I finally settled on a year lease in a two bedroom apartment with my favorite cat! I’m settled and I have a few more weeks to complete a couple more things. But—
I’m going to rock the fuck out of school.
I’m going to keep a steady flow of content on my site.
I’m going to wrap up my story and try as hard as I can to publish.
I’m going to open myself up and make some new connections.
2013, your move is about over. 2014, get the fuck ready. I’m not even playing around this time.
You know how people say bands get “worse” because the fire in their eyes goes away after they have nothing to be angry at anymore? I feel like I’m in the angry phase of my life, but I let go of a bunch. Last month, I had years of pent up anger all go at once and it was beautiful. I harnessed it intro creativity instead of moping. I wrangled every emotion and wrote. Since then… I’ve been super content with life. Like not really bothered by issues. Not angry at all. That doesn’t bode well with how my stories were shaping up.
I need something to be angry at. Or some more inspiration. :|
If I could write twists as good as the ones that pop up in my life, I’d be the next best seller.
I was writing a novel for the past 6 months, but after a turn of thoughts, I decided to shift ideas to a short story collection. I’ve completed about 3 stories so far. One of them will be stretched out longer, but other than some edits, that means I’m estimated to be about 30% done with this bitch of a creative-fest I’ve had.
I want 10 stories. I want about 200 pages though. 150-300 is the vicinity of where I wanna land. I’ve got general ideas for 6 of the last 7 stories. I may or may not add a few more just to make the package beefier.
I spat out the first story back in March and I spit out two more this month. The way I produce these is really sporadic. I got my inspirational burst back in March and produced the first story that way. I’ve sat on the second story for months and months just trying to clear it from the haze that I call my brain. The third one came to me randomly a few days ago on my normal daydream marathons while driving and it was done that night. I wish I could have a stable schedule.
I’m hoping by mid 2014 that I can wrap this up and figure out publishing. Self-publishing seems the way to go. I’ve got one friend reading it who’s totally stoked on what I’ve got so far though, so I am considering pitching it around. I don’t know! I just know I want the stories in text first. Let’s start to make some official grounding here, yeah?
People always need a hand up in certain situations. Over the years, I’ve managed to make myself into a trustworthy person for people to vent to. Which is all good, of course. The problem is that I end up worrying over everyone.
Many of my friends have been going through a real rough patch of life. Many of them have wandered off and have been closing up to the world. Whenever I offer to hang out with them or for them to tag along with a friend and I, they close up. It sucks to witness, but I just gotta keep telling myself that people mend on their own sometimes. I had the very same thing happen to me.
I’m glad many of them appreciate me for being around though. Honestly. There are some people who will always make you feel like it was a waste of time, but then there are others who will remember you always for being around. I’m a strong believer in karma, and I just want people to do the right things so good things will happen to them. T’is all.
One step forward, two steps back.
That’s all the past 365~ days have been for me. I’m still making progress, but it’s so annoying.
My life over the past almost 3 weeks has been a total change. I have no qualms and am quite happy with it :D
It’s all the shit that went on this week that makes me never want to hold grudges. Bridges were burned with people in my life, but that wouldn’t make me any less sad if I were to lose anyone I knew. Friend of me or not, stay safe, y’all. <3